A "Dawn Update" to my special Sisters and Friends:

I so wanted to call you and then it seemed like my world came crashing down on me again. Here is a quick summary. I have used the illustration  of making lemonade to creatively express the past few weeks.

You know that saying,"When life hands you a lemon, then make lemonade".  My life is a reflection of that wise proverb right now.
Life has given me this recipe in the past few months.  When I had the MRI done in November to determine the extent of the cancer they discovered three problems.  The first was my lymph node system.  Out of 14 removed 8 had cancer cells.  Then they determined I had cancer growing again in the site where I had the lumpectomy in March 2009.  They made a quick decision for a Mastectomy which I had on November 16th  2011.  However,  the  MRI revealed yet another life challenge.

In 2009 they had noted an enlargement of 3.8cc in the main aorta of my heart.  That is the main vein leaving my heart. I guess they never mentioned it to me or I don't remember it , if they did.  In November 2011 they noted it had enlarged to 4.0cc. I guess an anorism can be likened to the illustration of a bike tube.  If a spot weakens on inner tube it thins and bulges like a balloon.  This increases the chances that added pressure can cause it to burst. For a bike  inner tube it may be hitting a rock on the road, for for a heart it may be high blood pressure or stress which causes the blood to pump through the vein too hard.

 I asked the cancer  surgeon when I needed to deal with it and she suggested waiting until after the cancer treatment was completed.  I finished six weeks of daily radiation in February.  I have struggled with side affects, skin breaking down and extreme fatigue.  It can take up to a year to recover.  Fighting cancer took center stage from November until now.  So I just pushed the heart problem out of my mind.  The cancer team did not seem to be in a hurry so I thought it must be no big deal.

So when I went in for my follow up appointment with my oncologist I ask him how to proceed with the anorism.  He said to contact my primary care Doctor.  D.r Childers gave me a referral to the Providence Heart Center.  I received a call from the heart doctor this week, saying that he is so concerned about the rapid growth of the  bulge in my  aorta that he wanted to cancel the initial consultation with him and send me directly to a heart surgeon.  My appointment is for June 11th.

  Meanwhile I was cleaning the tub a few days ago.  It was the first time to try heavy housework since last November.  I did not fall,  just leaned on the tub ,  when I felt a pop in one of my rib's just below my breast cancer surgery site.  The radiation Doctor warned me that one of the side affects of radiation is that the rib bones can become fragile and they will fracture without much of a blow. So I went in for chest x rays last week.  I damaged the cartilage, but the bone held. However the affect is similar. It was hard to take a deep breath,or bend over without significant pain for about three weeks, but it is healing now.

All lemonade needs lots of lemons!  That is what gives the juice it's tangy sour taste. For me the sour taste was like starting on the Aromatase. Aromatase is a hormone blocking drug.  The type of Breast Cancer I am fighting is called Estrogen positive.  That means that the cancer cells use my estrogen for food to eat and grow.  So the theory is stop the estrogen production in the body and starve the cancer cells.   That is the hormone blocking drug the oncologist wants me to take for the next five years to help stop the recurrence of the breast caner.
    
Within a week after starting it I noticed major side affects.  First  insomnia set in as well as a deep depression.  I also noticed my vision blur. I have suffered with joint  pain since 2000 and it got worse after starting the medication.  All these issues are side affects of the medication.  Presently I have stopped taking it until I see my Oncologist next so we can discuss what to do or if another drug would have less side affects.     The one side affect  that concerned me the most is it can cause heart disease.  That is certainly something I don't want to mix with the Anorism.

I think what is overwhelming is that I just thought I could move away from the constant Doctor consultations, appointments, and treatments merry go round I have been living on for the last year.  It was a year ago on Memorial day weekend and I that I was out hiking and slipped on a muddy trail shattering my left  ankle. It required reconstruction , which included  11 pins and a steel plate.  Then followed three months where I was in a wheel chair, cast and in bed a lot.  Then I was just limping back into my life when I had my next mammogram. So between November 16th  and January I recovered from the surgery.  Then it was time to hit the road for the six week marathon of daily  radiation treatments.  Presently I have five doctors involved as well as two other medical staff in my care. 
    
Then I guess we need to squeeze and squeeze those lemons  if I want flavorful lemonade.  My daughter Serena  was in  a car accident a few weeks ago and is suffering from a whip lash and other pain issues.  Her July 7th  wedding is requiring greater and greater degrees of time and energy from both of us, which we simply don't have.  It is so hard, she is my only daughter and I so want it to be a special day for her.  Yet I had to have a serious talk with her on how to keep the wedding simple.  I am helping with the shower which is on June 16th (if you want to come give me a call , I got too tired to finish all the invitations :)   I am also doing all the flowers for her wedding.  We can not afford a florist, so we are just hoping for lots of friends gardens to have some spare flowers.  Let me know if you have any.  We are busy getting others to help set up and serve food at the wedding too  It is a humbling experience to go to others and ask for help.)  If anyone is interested let me know.  Perhaps it is  a lesson God wants to teach both of us.  We have been pretty independent women and it is time both of use learn that lifet is all about sisterhood and encouraging and helping one another.
    
Next I guess we need to stir that lemonade up well.  For me the mixing of the pain, fear of seeing the heart surgeon and my daughters wedding placed me back in that state of total exhaustion.  You would think I would sleep more, but when I get to that stage, I actually sleep less.  I have a close friend that knows me well, she observed my overall state and said.  "that's enough!  I am taking you to my cabin in Washington."  So I am leaving today for about a week and a half.  It is deep in the woods, no cell phone, no traffic, no Doctors, no wedding to plan, just quiet pine air.  The deep lush grass in front of her cabin windows, is often peppered with wild turkey and the deer don't even run from you.  Yes the God of creation can be my Doctor, while I rest.  There I will sip the lemonade that He makes, stirred in with his love and healing power.

You know I always did like Lemons.  They are such a wonderful yellow color.  I love cutting them in half and letting the juice run all over my fingers, it leaves my pinkies smelling so fresh and clean. When my Mom and I wanted to treat ourselves we always bought Lemon Pie!  Yum makes me hungry thinking about it.  So all in all life is good, Dawn is OK and is just planing to head to the woods, swing in a hammock and of course sip on ice cold lemonade!   I love you all      Dawn (Woman of the woods)

May 14th 2012
It is dark, about an hour before dawn.  I know the birds will start singing their sweet melodies soon.  This moment in time is a reflection of my life  these past six months.  Yes it has been dark, very dark.  My November surgery was no piece of cake!!  It was more like old beef jerky, rather hard to chew on. They removed a 1.9 centimeter tumor.  Fourteen lymph nodes were removed under my arm, eight tested positive for cancer.

 Yet I recovered one day at a time.  Then the first of the year came and it was time for six weeks of daily radiation.  My husband was so supportive, he drove me every day, week after week.  I plodded along pretty well until the end, then my skin broke down, I got the flu and really had to battle for a couple of weeks.

  Each day I get a bit better, take shorter naps, try to do a little more.  I am still having Physical Therapy for the damaged muscles in the chest area.  I am told the affects of the radiation causing the muscles to tighten lasts for about twelve months.

I was very glad to learn that the type of cancer I have would not benefit from chemotherapy so I was able to avoid that nasty treatment.  The Dr. put me on a five year plan for a hormone blocking medication.  It has nasty side affects, including depression, joint pain insomnia , wight gain etc. etc. etc.  It hit me pretty hard the first week.  I am doing serious praying about what to do.  I see the Dr. next month.

I feel like my creative, poetic self has been locked up in a hope chest for a few months.  It is time to dust off the key and open the lid.  I have started to do art and poetry in my journal again, so that feels good.

If you read this blog and know my e mail please respond with a quick e-mail, I wonder if the blog is read or over looked and sometimes I get discouraged.

I will close by creating a new poem.

Liquid Essence

Written by Dawn

Life is liquid essence
reflecting the morning dew.
Each beam, each ray
brings the warmth of yet another day.

I lift my palm
to the globe
that drives away the
darkness.
Light reflects on my pale skin
giving it a warm glow.


I praise the Creator that today
I have the precious gift of life,
A day to breath
A day to laugh
A day to love.
A Day!