To be breathing is awesome. To see another day, special.
To capture a photograph of a dew covered rose, inspiring. To dig in moist brown earth, healing. To belly laugh deeply, refreshing . To bury my face in warm brown dog fur, peaceful.
To understand how others chose to show their love to me, difficult. To learn to love, forgive and let go, agonizing.
Saturday, June 9, 2018
Alive
Monday, January 25, 2016
January 25,2016
My life has been broken into segments for too long. It seems I have been fighting cancer forever even though it has been six years. Like a pie cut in unequal pieces, cancer has taken too big of a slice. I want the other slices back in balanced portion, my art, poetry, gardening and hiking.
I have been called "Stage Four" since 2011. I hate that title, it make me feel like I am suppose to hurry up and die. However I continue to choose life, joy and love.
I am glad I have been able to teach a class on spirituality and art. I am pleased that I continue to watch dogs for my "Pet Fix" through Rover.com.
I am honored to be the facilitator for a Breast Cancer Support Group through an organization called Breast Friends.
I am blessed to have a wonderful husband that loves and accepts be as I am. He is so patient, helping with the housework on days I don't have the energy. He has learned to wear the hat of caregivier and husband,it is not easy for him.
God had granted me breath and life for today, to laugh, and love and I am so thankful.
My life has been broken into segments for too long. It seems I have been fighting cancer forever even though it has been six years. Like a pie cut in unequal pieces, cancer has taken too big of a slice. I want the other slices back in balanced portion, my art, poetry, gardening and hiking.
I have been called "Stage Four" since 2011. I hate that title, it make me feel like I am suppose to hurry up and die. However I continue to choose life, joy and love.
I am glad I have been able to teach a class on spirituality and art. I am pleased that I continue to watch dogs for my "Pet Fix" through Rover.com.
I am honored to be the facilitator for a Breast Cancer Support Group through an organization called Breast Friends.
I am blessed to have a wonderful husband that loves and accepts be as I am. He is so patient, helping with the housework on days I don't have the energy. He has learned to wear the hat of caregivier and husband,it is not easy for him.
God had granted me breath and life for today, to laugh, and love and I am so thankful.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
I looked at the hour glass and wondered how the sands slipped through the narrow opening without my notice? The flowing sand is so silent, so swift, so unstoppable! Yet in this progression I still sit outside the glass enclouse, alive and watching with wonder and fasniation at the movement of the tiny bits of glass and rock that we refere to as sand.
Suddenly with out my full understanding of how I got here, it is now March 1, 2014!! All I know is I am still alive, I still watch each dawn, I continue to fight my arch enemie cancer and I breath in each day as if it were my last! Life is good. My family is wonderful. My friends are amazing.
It seems the longer I battle cancer, the less I want to talk about it or acknowledge I do battle daily. Somehow that gives it power. I refuse to let it rob me of my identity. I am not a Cancer Sufferer. I at the core of my being am Dawn. Dawn the poet, Dawn the artist, Dawn the Mom, Dawn the wife and Dawn the sister of a host of wonderful friends. Thats all , no less , no more.
So here is my update. I have survived five years now. The doctors and the bone scans state that the cancer is hiding in my bones. It is like Pac Man trying to munch away on my frame. I continue to believe given the right amount of peace, love and nutrition mixed with the light of God that my body can fight this thing. I just had surgery last month to put in a Port. That is a disk under my skin that helps infusion nurses give me my one IV monthly that will strengthen my bones. It is not Chemo, but has it's challenges, it gives me flu like symptoms for a couple of days and then I just get on with my life! So that is my summery!
Meanwhile my future dreams at this point include, getting a little poodle puppy, perhaps training it to be a therapy dog in care facilities. I want to dog sit. You can find my web site on Rover.com. I am listed as a puppy sitter for a local vet called Hannah Society.
My poetry continues to come and go at will. I am still putting everything, (art, poems etc.) in my journals. I am on number 61 right now. Today I was cleaning my office and came accross my first journal, I was 13 years old!
I have taught a workshop at a women's retreat teaching other people how to create heirloom journals. It was a great joy and I hope to give it again soon.
Puppets seem to be in my future, perhaps with the children at our new church. I have been sewing from scratch new puppets, buying stuffed animals and converting them into puppets. I will keep you updated on how that plays out.
My newest hobby is creating miniature gardens. I just completed one this week using tiny sediums! I love going to thrift shops looking for tiny people and animals, bird baths and benches to add to my tiny worlds.
Well that is enough about me, what about you? I would love to have a response to my blogs, it would be fun and an encouragement all rolled into one.
Suddenly with out my full understanding of how I got here, it is now March 1, 2014!! All I know is I am still alive, I still watch each dawn, I continue to fight my arch enemie cancer and I breath in each day as if it were my last! Life is good. My family is wonderful. My friends are amazing.
It seems the longer I battle cancer, the less I want to talk about it or acknowledge I do battle daily. Somehow that gives it power. I refuse to let it rob me of my identity. I am not a Cancer Sufferer. I at the core of my being am Dawn. Dawn the poet, Dawn the artist, Dawn the Mom, Dawn the wife and Dawn the sister of a host of wonderful friends. Thats all , no less , no more.
So here is my update. I have survived five years now. The doctors and the bone scans state that the cancer is hiding in my bones. It is like Pac Man trying to munch away on my frame. I continue to believe given the right amount of peace, love and nutrition mixed with the light of God that my body can fight this thing. I just had surgery last month to put in a Port. That is a disk under my skin that helps infusion nurses give me my one IV monthly that will strengthen my bones. It is not Chemo, but has it's challenges, it gives me flu like symptoms for a couple of days and then I just get on with my life! So that is my summery!
Meanwhile my future dreams at this point include, getting a little poodle puppy, perhaps training it to be a therapy dog in care facilities. I want to dog sit. You can find my web site on Rover.com. I am listed as a puppy sitter for a local vet called Hannah Society.
My poetry continues to come and go at will. I am still putting everything, (art, poems etc.) in my journals. I am on number 61 right now. Today I was cleaning my office and came accross my first journal, I was 13 years old!
I have taught a workshop at a women's retreat teaching other people how to create heirloom journals. It was a great joy and I hope to give it again soon.
Puppets seem to be in my future, perhaps with the children at our new church. I have been sewing from scratch new puppets, buying stuffed animals and converting them into puppets. I will keep you updated on how that plays out.
My newest hobby is creating miniature gardens. I just completed one this week using tiny sediums! I love going to thrift shops looking for tiny people and animals, bird baths and benches to add to my tiny worlds.
Well that is enough about me, what about you? I would love to have a response to my blogs, it would be fun and an encouragement all rolled into one.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A "Dawn Update" to my special Sisters and Friends:
I so wanted to call you and then it seemed like my world came crashing down on me again. Here is a quick summary. I have used the illustration of making lemonade to creatively express the past few weeks.
You know that saying,"When life hands you a lemon, then make lemonade". My life is a reflection of that wise proverb right now.
Life has given me this recipe in the past few months. When I had the MRI done in November to determine the extent of the cancer they discovered three problems. The first was my lymph node system. Out of 14 removed 8 had cancer cells. Then they determined I had cancer growing again in the site where I had the lumpectomy in March 2009. They made a quick decision for a Mastectomy which I had on November 16th 2011. However, the MRI revealed yet another life challenge.
In 2009 they had noted an enlargement of 3.8cc in the main aorta of my heart. That is the main vein leaving my heart. I guess they never mentioned it to me or I don't remember it , if they did. In November 2011 they noted it had enlarged to 4.0cc. I guess an anorism can be likened to the illustration of a bike tube. If a spot weakens on inner tube it thins and bulges like a balloon. This increases the chances that added pressure can cause it to burst. For a bike inner tube it may be hitting a rock on the road, for for a heart it may be high blood pressure or stress which causes the blood to pump through the vein too hard.
I asked the cancer surgeon when I needed to deal with it and she suggested waiting until after the cancer treatment was completed. I finished six weeks of daily radiation in February. I have struggled with side affects, skin breaking down and extreme fatigue. It can take up to a year to recover. Fighting cancer took center stage from November until now. So I just pushed the heart problem out of my mind. The cancer team did not seem to be in a hurry so I thought it must be no big deal.
So when I went in for my follow up appointment with my oncologist I ask him how to proceed with the anorism. He said to contact my primary care Doctor. D.r Childers gave me a referral to the Providence Heart Center. I received a call from the heart doctor this week, saying that he is so concerned about the rapid growth of the bulge in my aorta that he wanted to cancel the initial consultation with him and send me directly to a heart surgeon. My appointment is for June 11th.
Meanwhile I was cleaning the tub a few days ago. It was the first time to try heavy housework since last November. I did not fall, just leaned on the tub , when I felt a pop in one of my rib's just below my breast cancer surgery site. The radiation Doctor warned me that one of the side affects of radiation is that the rib bones can become fragile and they will fracture without much of a blow. So I went in for chest x rays last week. I damaged the cartilage, but the bone held. However the affect is similar. It was hard to take a deep breath,or bend over without significant pain for about three weeks, but it is healing now.
All lemonade needs lots of lemons! That is what gives the juice it's tangy sour taste. For me the sour taste was like starting on the Aromatase. Aromatase is a hormone blocking drug. The type of Breast Cancer I am fighting is called Estrogen positive. That means that the cancer cells use my estrogen for food to eat and grow. So the theory is stop the estrogen production in the body and starve the cancer cells. That is the hormone blocking drug the oncologist wants me to take for the next five years to help stop the recurrence of the breast caner.
Within a week after starting it I noticed major side affects. First insomnia set in as well as a deep depression. I also noticed my vision blur. I have suffered with joint pain since 2000 and it got worse after starting the medication. All these issues are side affects of the medication. Presently I have stopped taking it until I see my Oncologist next so we can discuss what to do or if another drug would have less side affects. The one side affect that concerned me the most is it can cause heart disease. That is certainly something I don't want to mix with the Anorism.
I think what is overwhelming is that I just thought I could move away from the constant Doctor consultations, appointments, and treatments merry go round I have been living on for the last year. It was a year ago on Memorial day weekend and I that I was out hiking and slipped on a muddy trail shattering my left ankle. It required reconstruction , which included 11 pins and a steel plate. Then followed three months where I was in a wheel chair, cast and in bed a lot. Then I was just limping back into my life when I had my next mammogram. So between November 16th and January I recovered from the surgery. Then it was time to hit the road for the six week marathon of daily radiation treatments. Presently I have five doctors involved as well as two other medical staff in my care.
Then I guess we need to squeeze and squeeze those lemons if I want flavorful lemonade. My daughter Serena was in a car accident a few weeks ago and is suffering from a whip lash and other pain issues. Her July 7th wedding is requiring greater and greater degrees of time and energy from both of us, which we simply don't have. It is so hard, she is my only daughter and I so want it to be a special day for her. Yet I had to have a serious talk with her on how to keep the wedding simple. I am helping with the shower which is on June 16th (if you want to come give me a call , I got too tired to finish all the invitations :) I am also doing all the flowers for her wedding. We can not afford a florist, so we are just hoping for lots of friends gardens to have some spare flowers. Let me know if you have any. We are busy getting others to help set up and serve food at the wedding too It is a humbling experience to go to others and ask for help.) If anyone is interested let me know. Perhaps it is a lesson God wants to teach both of us. We have been pretty independent women and it is time both of use learn that lifet is all about sisterhood and encouraging and helping one another.
Next I guess we need to stir that lemonade up well. For me the mixing of the pain, fear of seeing the heart surgeon and my daughters wedding placed me back in that state of total exhaustion. You would think I would sleep more, but when I get to that stage, I actually sleep less. I have a close friend that knows me well, she observed my overall state and said. "that's enough! I am taking you to my cabin in Washington." So I am leaving today for about a week and a half. It is deep in the woods, no cell phone, no traffic, no Doctors, no wedding to plan, just quiet pine air. The deep lush grass in front of her cabin windows, is often peppered with wild turkey and the deer don't even run from you. Yes the God of creation can be my Doctor, while I rest. There I will sip the lemonade that He makes, stirred in with his love and healing power.
You know I always did like Lemons. They are such a wonderful yellow color. I love cutting them in half and letting the juice run all over my fingers, it leaves my pinkies smelling so fresh and clean. When my Mom and I wanted to treat ourselves we always bought Lemon Pie! Yum makes me hungry thinking about it. So all in all life is good, Dawn is OK and is just planing to head to the woods, swing in a hammock and of course sip on ice cold lemonade! I love you all Dawn (Woman of the woods)
I so wanted to call you and then it seemed like my world came crashing down on me again. Here is a quick summary. I have used the illustration of making lemonade to creatively express the past few weeks.
You know that saying,"When life hands you a lemon, then make lemonade". My life is a reflection of that wise proverb right now.
Life has given me this recipe in the past few months. When I had the MRI done in November to determine the extent of the cancer they discovered three problems. The first was my lymph node system. Out of 14 removed 8 had cancer cells. Then they determined I had cancer growing again in the site where I had the lumpectomy in March 2009. They made a quick decision for a Mastectomy which I had on November 16th 2011. However, the MRI revealed yet another life challenge.
In 2009 they had noted an enlargement of 3.8cc in the main aorta of my heart. That is the main vein leaving my heart. I guess they never mentioned it to me or I don't remember it , if they did. In November 2011 they noted it had enlarged to 4.0cc. I guess an anorism can be likened to the illustration of a bike tube. If a spot weakens on inner tube it thins and bulges like a balloon. This increases the chances that added pressure can cause it to burst. For a bike inner tube it may be hitting a rock on the road, for for a heart it may be high blood pressure or stress which causes the blood to pump through the vein too hard.
I asked the cancer surgeon when I needed to deal with it and she suggested waiting until after the cancer treatment was completed. I finished six weeks of daily radiation in February. I have struggled with side affects, skin breaking down and extreme fatigue. It can take up to a year to recover. Fighting cancer took center stage from November until now. So I just pushed the heart problem out of my mind. The cancer team did not seem to be in a hurry so I thought it must be no big deal.
So when I went in for my follow up appointment with my oncologist I ask him how to proceed with the anorism. He said to contact my primary care Doctor. D.r Childers gave me a referral to the Providence Heart Center. I received a call from the heart doctor this week, saying that he is so concerned about the rapid growth of the bulge in my aorta that he wanted to cancel the initial consultation with him and send me directly to a heart surgeon. My appointment is for June 11th.
Meanwhile I was cleaning the tub a few days ago. It was the first time to try heavy housework since last November. I did not fall, just leaned on the tub , when I felt a pop in one of my rib's just below my breast cancer surgery site. The radiation Doctor warned me that one of the side affects of radiation is that the rib bones can become fragile and they will fracture without much of a blow. So I went in for chest x rays last week. I damaged the cartilage, but the bone held. However the affect is similar. It was hard to take a deep breath,or bend over without significant pain for about three weeks, but it is healing now.
All lemonade needs lots of lemons! That is what gives the juice it's tangy sour taste. For me the sour taste was like starting on the Aromatase. Aromatase is a hormone blocking drug. The type of Breast Cancer I am fighting is called Estrogen positive. That means that the cancer cells use my estrogen for food to eat and grow. So the theory is stop the estrogen production in the body and starve the cancer cells. That is the hormone blocking drug the oncologist wants me to take for the next five years to help stop the recurrence of the breast caner.
Within a week after starting it I noticed major side affects. First insomnia set in as well as a deep depression. I also noticed my vision blur. I have suffered with joint pain since 2000 and it got worse after starting the medication. All these issues are side affects of the medication. Presently I have stopped taking it until I see my Oncologist next so we can discuss what to do or if another drug would have less side affects. The one side affect that concerned me the most is it can cause heart disease. That is certainly something I don't want to mix with the Anorism.
I think what is overwhelming is that I just thought I could move away from the constant Doctor consultations, appointments, and treatments merry go round I have been living on for the last year. It was a year ago on Memorial day weekend and I that I was out hiking and slipped on a muddy trail shattering my left ankle. It required reconstruction , which included 11 pins and a steel plate. Then followed three months where I was in a wheel chair, cast and in bed a lot. Then I was just limping back into my life when I had my next mammogram. So between November 16th and January I recovered from the surgery. Then it was time to hit the road for the six week marathon of daily radiation treatments. Presently I have five doctors involved as well as two other medical staff in my care.
Then I guess we need to squeeze and squeeze those lemons if I want flavorful lemonade. My daughter Serena was in a car accident a few weeks ago and is suffering from a whip lash and other pain issues. Her July 7th wedding is requiring greater and greater degrees of time and energy from both of us, which we simply don't have. It is so hard, she is my only daughter and I so want it to be a special day for her. Yet I had to have a serious talk with her on how to keep the wedding simple. I am helping with the shower which is on June 16th (if you want to come give me a call , I got too tired to finish all the invitations :) I am also doing all the flowers for her wedding. We can not afford a florist, so we are just hoping for lots of friends gardens to have some spare flowers. Let me know if you have any. We are busy getting others to help set up and serve food at the wedding too It is a humbling experience to go to others and ask for help.) If anyone is interested let me know. Perhaps it is a lesson God wants to teach both of us. We have been pretty independent women and it is time both of use learn that lifet is all about sisterhood and encouraging and helping one another.
Next I guess we need to stir that lemonade up well. For me the mixing of the pain, fear of seeing the heart surgeon and my daughters wedding placed me back in that state of total exhaustion. You would think I would sleep more, but when I get to that stage, I actually sleep less. I have a close friend that knows me well, she observed my overall state and said. "that's enough! I am taking you to my cabin in Washington." So I am leaving today for about a week and a half. It is deep in the woods, no cell phone, no traffic, no Doctors, no wedding to plan, just quiet pine air. The deep lush grass in front of her cabin windows, is often peppered with wild turkey and the deer don't even run from you. Yes the God of creation can be my Doctor, while I rest. There I will sip the lemonade that He makes, stirred in with his love and healing power.
You know I always did like Lemons. They are such a wonderful yellow color. I love cutting them in half and letting the juice run all over my fingers, it leaves my pinkies smelling so fresh and clean. When my Mom and I wanted to treat ourselves we always bought Lemon Pie! Yum makes me hungry thinking about it. So all in all life is good, Dawn is OK and is just planing to head to the woods, swing in a hammock and of course sip on ice cold lemonade! I love you all Dawn (Woman of the woods)
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
May 14th 2012
It is dark, about an hour before dawn. I know the birds will start singing their sweet melodies soon. This moment in time is a reflection of my life these past six months. Yes it has been dark, very dark. My November surgery was no piece of cake!! It was more like old beef jerky, rather hard to chew on. They removed a 1.9 centimeter tumor. Fourteen lymph nodes were removed under my arm, eight tested positive for cancer.
Yet I recovered one day at a time. Then the first of the year came and it was time for six weeks of daily radiation. My husband was so supportive, he drove me every day, week after week. I plodded along pretty well until the end, then my skin broke down, I got the flu and really had to battle for a couple of weeks.
Each day I get a bit better, take shorter naps, try to do a little more. I am still having Physical Therapy for the damaged muscles in the chest area. I am told the affects of the radiation causing the muscles to tighten lasts for about twelve months.
I was very glad to learn that the type of cancer I have would not benefit from chemotherapy so I was able to avoid that nasty treatment. The Dr. put me on a five year plan for a hormone blocking medication. It has nasty side affects, including depression, joint pain insomnia , wight gain etc. etc. etc. It hit me pretty hard the first week. I am doing serious praying about what to do. I see the Dr. next month.
I feel like my creative, poetic self has been locked up in a hope chest for a few months. It is time to dust off the key and open the lid. I have started to do art and poetry in my journal again, so that feels good.
If you read this blog and know my e mail please respond with a quick e-mail, I wonder if the blog is read or over looked and sometimes I get discouraged.
I will close by creating a new poem.
Life is liquid essence
reflecting the morning dew.
Each beam, each ray
brings the warmth of yet another day.
I lift my palm
to the globe
that drives away the
darkness.
Light reflects on my pale skin
giving it a warm glow.
I praise the Creator that today
I have the precious gift of life,
A day to breath
A day to laugh
A day to love.
A Day!
It is dark, about an hour before dawn. I know the birds will start singing their sweet melodies soon. This moment in time is a reflection of my life these past six months. Yes it has been dark, very dark. My November surgery was no piece of cake!! It was more like old beef jerky, rather hard to chew on. They removed a 1.9 centimeter tumor. Fourteen lymph nodes were removed under my arm, eight tested positive for cancer.
Yet I recovered one day at a time. Then the first of the year came and it was time for six weeks of daily radiation. My husband was so supportive, he drove me every day, week after week. I plodded along pretty well until the end, then my skin broke down, I got the flu and really had to battle for a couple of weeks.
Each day I get a bit better, take shorter naps, try to do a little more. I am still having Physical Therapy for the damaged muscles in the chest area. I am told the affects of the radiation causing the muscles to tighten lasts for about twelve months.
I was very glad to learn that the type of cancer I have would not benefit from chemotherapy so I was able to avoid that nasty treatment. The Dr. put me on a five year plan for a hormone blocking medication. It has nasty side affects, including depression, joint pain insomnia , wight gain etc. etc. etc. It hit me pretty hard the first week. I am doing serious praying about what to do. I see the Dr. next month.
I feel like my creative, poetic self has been locked up in a hope chest for a few months. It is time to dust off the key and open the lid. I have started to do art and poetry in my journal again, so that feels good.
If you read this blog and know my e mail please respond with a quick e-mail, I wonder if the blog is read or over looked and sometimes I get discouraged.
I will close by creating a new poem.
Liquid Essence
Written by Dawn
reflecting the morning dew.
Each beam, each ray
brings the warmth of yet another day.
I lift my palm
to the globe
that drives away the
darkness.
Light reflects on my pale skin
giving it a warm glow.
I praise the Creator that today
I have the precious gift of life,
A day to breath
A day to laugh
A day to love.
A Day!
Friday, November 18, 2011
November 18th
This is Richard writing for Glenna. The doctor reported that the surgery on Wednesday went very well. She came home yesterday-Thursday. So now I am her "nurse" administrator. I keep track of things on her chart. When she takes her meds, has she taken time to walk about, breathe deep and cough to keep her lungs clear, and all that good stuff.
Glenna still has a sense of humor and we are just taking a day at a time.
The next major thing is the pathology report that will come in 7-10 days.
We appreciate your prayers and concern.
This is Richard writing for Glenna. The doctor reported that the surgery on Wednesday went very well. She came home yesterday-Thursday. So now I am her "nurse" administrator. I keep track of things on her chart. When she takes her meds, has she taken time to walk about, breathe deep and cough to keep her lungs clear, and all that good stuff.
Glenna still has a sense of humor and we are just taking a day at a time.
The next major thing is the pathology report that will come in 7-10 days.
We appreciate your prayers and concern.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
November 16th 4:20 am
I will be honest and say I did not sleep well last night. I tossed and turned and fought a headache. At 3:00 am decided a soak in the tub was the best "drug of choice" considering I am not to have any liquids now. It seemed to help. We leave for the hospital in about twenty minutes.
I am reminded of Romans 8: 38 " For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels,nor principalities, nor things present, nor thing to come nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
My version of this right now is " For I am convinced that neither cancer, nor surgery can separate me from my big brother Jesus."
I close this with verse 37 "But in all these things we overwhelming conquer through Him who loved us. Love you all Glenna
I will be honest and say I did not sleep well last night. I tossed and turned and fought a headache. At 3:00 am decided a soak in the tub was the best "drug of choice" considering I am not to have any liquids now. It seemed to help. We leave for the hospital in about twenty minutes.
I am reminded of Romans 8: 38 " For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels,nor principalities, nor things present, nor thing to come nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
My version of this right now is " For I am convinced that neither cancer, nor surgery can separate me from my big brother Jesus."
I close this with verse 37 "But in all these things we overwhelming conquer through Him who loved us. Love you all Glenna
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